Anatomy of Conflict Turning Into Connection
Conflict has roots that grow into stories, becoming a forest of trees where we lose sight, direction, and can no longer see through it. The therapy room hosts many discussions among couples and individuals about their interpersonal conflicts, as well as broader conflicts within our families, communities, the internet, and the world at large. Conflict leads to a hyper-fixation on difference. Conversations surround what we’re fighting about rather than what we’re fighting for. In couples work, money, sex, parenting, in-laws, and household chores are common topics couples fight about. If you zoom out, societally, it’s not so different. Topically, we’re seeing arguments over the economy, politics, power, and ideologies that generate a deep divide. We want people to understand our points, be on our side, and agree with ease, yet we’re steeped in tumultuous discourse. How do we seek to understand when we so desperately want to feel understood?
How do we feel heard and understood by one another? I believe that when we get deep into an individual, we get to the collective. When we shift the focus to what aligns us in our humanness, we connect on deeper levels than what’s in our news feed. If you’ve ever been in conflict with a partner, friend, coworker, or family member, then you probably know the pain of a fractured connection. Understand conflict's roots, get to know the stories we make up that grow into resentment, and through the heart of repair, you can make changes towards connection.
Roots of Conflict. Howard Markman from the University of Denver has conducted longitudinal studies with couples and found that many conflicts boil down to three points:
Power and control: Whose priorities matter more? When does my voice get to be heard? Fighting for the last word leads us to cling to control when we feel out of control. This can look like:
• Fighting to be right over understanding one another
• Winning the argument matters more in the moment
• You debate your side and use strategies such as straw manning an argument, throwing morality into the debate to support your stance, and using statements that lead to dead ends for the other person.
Care and connection: Are you there for me? I want to count on you. When there’s a strain in connection, we can see how our competing attachments strain our relationships. It can look like:
• One person is on their phone while the other is trying to have a conversation
• You feel like you can’t rely on the other person, so you minimize your needs to meet what they can give
• Your needs supersede the other person’s and leave the other person feeling in charge of your emotions.
Respect and Recognition: I want to feel like I matter. Do my contributions to our relationship count? Gottman defines respect as treating a partner with dignity and valuing their perspectives, thoughts, and feelings, even during conflicts. When we’re fighting to be seen and respected, it can look like:
• One person shouting, “Do I even matter to you?”
• You don’t see me for how I care about you
• You don’t see how I need to feel cared for
Keys to Conflict. Conflict often begins before the fight. In this week’s episode of the How to Relate podcast, Bethany Argenio discusses competing attachments impeding connection. Competing attachments include over-identifying with work, addiction to social media, and enmeshment with parents, friends, or children. Our competing attachments create conflict without our awareness. When we’re already in conflict, our detachment strategies look more appealing, and the negative cycle continues.
Where to Begin? Empathy has been misinterpreted as taking on other people’s emotions as your own. Empathy in nature is the ability to witness another’s experience without inserting your own. Humans have the innate ability to attune to nervous systems, yet our sabotaging stories get in the way of our connection to one another. What would it look like to meet your partner with true empathy and seek to understand?
How to move into understanding:
What are my strategies? Do I defend my intentions? Straw man? Use morality in arguments? Exaggerate to prove a point? Examine your strategies, and move shame to guilt. Own your guilt to make room for change.
Ask what before why. Ask, “What am I fighting for?” before asking, “Why does this matter to you or me? Why does my trauma keep showing up, or why is the universe against me?” “What” gives you room to work, “why” gives you theories to spiral down. Making small changes shifts our attachment systems to securely connect.
Say out loud, “I want to understand.” State shift by saying what you want. Lean into your desire to understand rather than your instinct to defend.
Make choices to move into connected states. The more we do this with our partners, friends, family members, and people we have difficulties with, the more we heal collectively.
