Intimacy Blockers
Friendships, partnerships, romantic relationships, family, coworkers, and your gym crew all have one common denominator: you. We may present ourselves differently in each type of relationship, but our blind spots may remain consistent. You may have:
Scrolled on your phone while mid-conversation
Drank too much at a friend's housewarming
Worked late hours rather than spending time with people
Out-busied yourself and your friends wonder when they'll ever see you
Checked out mentally because you're thinking of your to-do list
I'm not here to shame you for doing these things; we're human after all. However, this may be a segue into understanding your intimacy blockers. Intimacy blockers are the behaviors, habits, and mental formations that prevent us from achieving relational self-awareness and hinder others from forming deeper connections. The behaviors above are examples of how we miss opportunities to connect with those around us. These behaviors easily creep into habits and create malnourishment in our relational well-being. Unconsciously, we erode our connections, creating an illness that we may not be aware of until we begin to feel its symptoms. These symptoms may include feeling stuck and complacent, a lack of desire, forgetting details of others' lives, and overall lack of fulfillment in various areas of life. If you've experienced any of these symptoms, here is your medicine.
Get Curious. For every maladaptive pattern, there is a perceived benefit. Does drinking make you feel more like yourself or decrease anxiety? Does scrolling reels make you feel entertained? Does attaching to work make you feel important? These are examples of the perceived benefits that our maladaptive patterns provide us. When you first ask, "What's the benefit?" you may say "nothing." Then ask again, what is the positive intention behind this behavior? Behind the behavior lies a part of you that feels scared, anxious, insecure, worried, unimportant, concerned about what others think, unlovable, or stressed. This part of you hurts, and is seeking relief. We have various kinds of painkillers available at our fingertips; it's understanding the pain we're trying to kill.
What's the pain point? Emotional pain often creeps in slowly and leaves an aching hole inside of us. Loneliness, anxiety, stress, depression, and overall discontentment don't happen overnight. Wisdom lies in understanding discomfort. Taking away our strategies encourages wisdom to shine through. Our rigid stories about what we "need" and why we "need" them keep us from accessing our inner knowing. What if alcohol wasn't necessary to feel like yourself? What if your phone doesn't help with feeling lonely? What if work isn't the way to self-importance? Questioning our behavior encourages flexibility and helps move into adaptability.
Intimacy: See into you. Intimacy is the human experience we fear the most and want the most. When we allow ourselves to see into our own experience, we gift ourselves access to witness deeper parts of us. When someone sees parts of us we haven't witnessed, it will feel jarring. At times —not all the time —when someone is "triggered" by their family member, partner, or friend, it's because they see a deeper part of us that stays stuck in shame. Shame blocks intimacy by getting defensive, shutting down, becoming passive-aggressive, and pushing others away. The more emotionally intimate you can be with yourself, the more you invite thriving intimate relationships in your life.
Intimately,
Brittani
