What’s Happening with Young Men?
In all honesty, this was difficult to write because there's a lot here, and it's only scratching the surface. I can almost hear people ask, "Why should I care? Men have been in power and succeeded in society for so long, they're the privileged ones." Here's the answer: men's issues and social justice are not mutually exclusive. The statistics here are scary, especially if you have boys and men in your life that you care about. The goal of this is to bring men back into the conversation- this statement will be repeated on purpose.
"Where are the men?" is the most common question single women have been asking. According to Hinge, 64% of users identify as male and 36% identify as female. With men outnumbering women on dating apps (Bumble also has similar numbers with 37% identifying as female), the question truly becomes: "Where are the emotionally available, attractive, ambitious, caring, thoughtful, and stable men?"
Who Run the World- Girls. Female empowerment has been pivotal for women in education and the workplace. According to Pew Research in 2024, women on average earn approximately 95% of what their male counterparts earned. Women in New York, LA, and Washington DC have outearned their male counterparts with 102% of men's earnings. Women outnumber men in higher education (58%), and a Forbes article from June 2024 highlights women CEOs outearned male counterparts in the S&P500. (Cue Shania Twain saying, "Let's go girls!").
Lost Boys. The Lost Boys Report came out in March of this year. Richard Reeves in partnership with The Centre for Social Justice of the UK pioneered research around young men. While many of the statistics are UK based, the research widely represents what's happening for young men in developed Western countries. Here are some statistics:
2.5 million children have no father living at home (1 in 5 children). In the US 1 in 4 children come from fatherless households.
80% of single-parent households in the US are single mothers
Boys who lose their fathers within the first five years of their life have significantly worse mental health outcomes in their early to mid-twenties due to a lack of a male role model.
1 in 7 men between the ages of 16 and 24 in the UK are noneducated, employed, or in training (NEET)
One-third of young men 20-34 report living at home with parents (representing 60% of all adults living at home)
The average age to move out is 25 for men and 22 for women
96% of those incarcerated as of September 2024 were male, commonly between 30 and 39
Average age children first see porn online is 13 years old, 25% first view porn by age 11, with boys being more likely to watch porn than girls
"One study highlighted that the second highest ranked reason young men gave for watching porn was dealing with emotional factors – i.e., stress (which was cited by 50 percent of respondents) and 40 percent even cited boredom. We now live in an age where bored or stressed pre-teens revert to pornographic content for anesthesia and escapism."
75% of deaths of despair (suicide, drug overdose, alcohol-related deaths) are men
A mother quoted in the article stated:
"I have two teenage boys aged 18 and 19. I talk to them a lot about how they feel society views them. They feel that they are viewed as predators, lazy and toxic, but are told frequently that they are privileged."
I've heard plenty of statements such as this one from women who want to date men, including statements such as:
"Men are scary."
"Why should I care about hurting a male's ego?" (Referring to being asked out by a guy).
"I just told him to stop talking to me." (When a guy tried to chat to a woman standing at the bar).
"All men are trash."
"I just want to name that we all just had a reaction." (Regarding a discussion with women about a man in his early 20s struggling with what masculinity means.)
Back to the common question from women: Where are the emotionally available, ambitious, attractive, caring, thoughtful, single men? If I worked with a couple and the woman said to the man, "You're privileged. Why should I care about your feelings?" I would have to begin a Kindness 101 session. When the overarching narrative has become men's feelings shouldn't matter, how do we expect them to want to be a part of society? Comparative suffering erodes empathy, connection, and sense of belonging. If we keep treating gender issues as a zero-sum game, we're going to stay stuck competing and comparing who's rights, needs, feelings, and overall quality of life matter more.
Leading to the next problem- red pill communities. Red pill communities attract men who experience uncertainty about their place in the world, shame for feelings of inadequacy, and haven't had prosocial places/spaces to go. As NYU professor Scott Galloway says, "Michael Jackson and the Catholic Church ruined spaces for boys." The dearth of spaces for boys and men has negative impacts. Now more than ever, society needs male role models who show that success doesn't mean power, money, cars, and sex with women. Society needs accessible male spaces that encourage vulnerability, support, empathy, and accountability.
Changing the conversation with young men. This week on the How to Relate podcast, I talked with Justin Carotti, LCSW, private practice owner at Valiance Counseling and Coaching, about changing the conversation with men by meeting them where they are, how parents and leaders can use the 1% rule for change, and how young men exhibit behaviors rather than expressing how they feel.
Listen on Spotify
Maybe you have boys and men in your life that you love, want to see thrive, and care deeply about. Maybe you're interested in changing the conversation, so the men in your life can be more open with you. Maybe you're a parent with young children, and want to understand what's happening for boys today. Let's accept, invite, and openly bring men back into the conversation.
Changing the Conversation,
Brittani
